On Wooing Women

Disclaimer:

Since most of my readership consists of students from my university, I’m using this blog post to talk about today’s theme for spirit week: “Woo a Woman Wednesday.” Please note that even though I’m skeptical, I don’t necessarily think the event is wrong, and I certainly don’t think it is sinful to participate.

However, I’d like to encourage you to stop and think about what this theme communicates to particular groups of people on campus and how it reflects certain negative attitudes that are at work in our university’s culture.

Because I am an English major, discussions in my classes often center around women’s issues and how we, as Christ-followers, need to make sure that all human beings are shown the love and respect they deserve as people who have been created in God’s image. Here are a few reasons why I think “Woo a Woman Wednesday” is a bad idea.

1.       Not everyone can participate in the event.

First, this theme is geared toward couples, which means that people who are singles probably don’t feel comfortable participating. Although those who designed the event probably thought this might be a great matchmaking opportunity, the majority of men on campus who are not in a relationship will likely feel awkward about asking a girl out today, especially if they are not already serious about pursuing a dating relationship with her. Even if a guy wants to do something special for a girl who is “just a friend,” he may feel uncomfortable because he knows she might take it in the wrong way. Let’s be realistic here: Mainly couples and overeager freshman males will take advantage of this event.

Second, “Woo a Woman Wednesday” also prevents women from participating. You may be thinking, “What? Doesn’t the event center around women?” Well, yes it does, but only the men are actively participating. All the women have to do is look pretty in the hopes that they will be “wooed.” I couldn’t participate if I wanted to. The spirit of the theme does not allow me to woo a woman (Shocking!!)—or even to woo a man if I wished to do so. Let’s avoid the question of whether or not a girl should be able to ask a guy out, because that’s a sticky topic, and I haven’t decided what I think about it. In any case, a woman should be able to show a man some sort of affection in a dating relationship. Otherwise, she’s just the passive object of his affections—he objectifies or dehumanizes her, performing specific actions to win her instead of getting to know her and appreciating her as a human being. More practically speaking, from what I have gathered, a man wants a woman to show some sort of interest in him before they begin a relationship, so he know whether or not she is willing to be “wooed.”

However you approach the topic, today’s spirit week theme discourages the vast majority of students on campus from participating. This defeats the purpose of spirit week, which is supposed to be a time when all of the students can come together to show pride in their school. And—seriously—since when does wooing a woman show school spirit?!?!

2.       It encourages a harmful dating culture.

If you are a student (or faculty or staff) at my university, you probably know that dating is a huge part of our school’s culture. Although dating can definitely be a good thing, the atmosphere here on campus borders on obsession with guy-girl relationships. That’s not healthy.

If you came here for your M.R.S. or M.R. degree, I feel deeply sorry for you. It’s wonderful to meet a special Christian guy or girl on campus and get married after graduation, but it shouldn’t be your only purpose in going to a great Christian university. Why should you have to spend a ridiculously huge amount of money on tuition just to meet your future spouse (which may or may not happen)?

On top of that, our dating culture often pushes people toward marriage who are either not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship, or who need to stay single for a time to develop and make use of their talents to serve the Lord.

Here’s another way to look at the way “Woo a Woman Wednesday” promotes an unhealthy form of dating culture. What is going to happen to all the girls who head back to their dorm tonight without having been “wooed”? They’ll probably feel rejected to some extent. They’ll wonder why they weren’t good enough. Are they not beautiful enough to attract a man? Did they expect too much? Were they too forward? Too withdrawn?

In any case, an awful lot of girls are going to have hurt feelings tonight, and this is NOT acceptable. They should not view themselves in this way, and they should not be made to feel that their appearance is at fault—because even though most girls are obsessed with appearance, they need to know that truly healthy relationships are based in something deeper. They need to be shown that they are valued because they belong to God, because of their character and their faith.

3.       It does not promote healthy Christian community.

I’ve already talked a lot about how today’s spirit week theme excludes people and causes hurt feelings. All of these factors contribute to the way in which attitudes that are reflected in this theme fail to build a healthy Christian community.

In Paul’s wonderful discussion on marriage and singleness in 1 Corinthians 7, he says, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches” (v. 17). If this teaching was so important to Paul, why doesn’t Christian culture embrace the truth that people should choose marriage or singleness without feeling pressured into doing something they don’t want to do?

Instead, contemporary Christian teaching privileges marriage over singleness—ironic, because Paul suggested that singleness better equipped Christians for service. We have tons of sermons, workshops, and conferences on marriage. But what about the single people? What does Christian culture have to offer them?

Singles at a Christian university like mine often look around and see almost all their peers forming romantic relationships, and they wonder what they have done wrong. They feel out of place, and they feel less “Christian” than they ought to be, because they are not going out, snagging a godly man or woman, and raising godly children. Our culture should not be encouraging this feeling of exclusion.

Dating and marriage and having children are good. Yes. But singleness should also be accepted. Instead of consciously or unconsciously excluding people, we as Christians need to work hard to make sure we are building a healthy community where all believers are accepted on an equal basis—both men and women; those who are dating, married, or single. Doing so will fulfill the vision of community that Paul longs for in 1 Corinthians 7 and 12, and it will lead us toward a better reflection of the principles of love in 1 Corinthians 13. This will help us to create a safe place for all Christians to be the people God has called them to be, and it will encourage each of us to serve God according to our individual talents.

What are some of your thoughts on the issues of gender and relationships in Christian community? Did you choose to participate in “Woo a Woman Wednesday”? Why or why not? Let me know what you think.